Am I The Problem?

“Can I see you in my office please” my manager Crystal asks.

This familiar sentence once sent fear, terror and anxiety shuttering through my body. Working with other woman has always been a battle for me and encounters like these are fraught with danger and never straight forward.

I gear for war. Walking towards her office I immediately weaponize. Mobilising all tactical intelligence to mentally prepare for the heavy incoming artillery. My mind flicks back weeks’ worth of Intel. Quickly deliberating each event and start forming a possible scenario- what could it be this time? My Manager hands me a behavioural report.

Days prior we had major problems with our internal internet. I could receive messages but not reply. That morning an urgent assignment came across my desk which was missing a crucial component from my manager. Phone not picking up I rushed to her office where upon entering found my manager Crystal sitting in heated exchange with Racheal our general manager. I quickly realised, apologised, then retreated back to my desk to wait. Another email pings onto my computer with a prickly assignment reminder. Second attempt to see Crystal in her office. GM was still in conversation and I was waved away hastily. Internet back up and my previous email attempts for the missing information were finally accepted. Crystal forwarded me the missing work directly. Job was done.

These days it’s tough to marshal adrenalin for an office interrogation. I have seen too much and weather the experience like a veteran.  I am not a high powered influencer and I’m not managing 500 employees but over my career I have experienced the debilitating injustices that come with working alongside women. At 34 years old these war stories are a regular reoccurrence and I’m asking the question, Am I the problem?

From the outback I was raised on a remote cattle station. Hard work, long days and little recognition. I have worked for local and international companies, owned a small retail business and maintained a corporate status. I pride myself on honesty and integrity. I feel that a country upbringing has given me empathy and compassion with a head strong resilience. I strive to be authentic, maintaining transparency and perspective.

I have experienced alcoholic bosses, mentally and physically abusive management and clinically insane colleagues. Over my time I have had a whip thrown under my horse and threatened, a deranged manager locked me out of the office and bizarrely had pens thrown at my head.

I have noticed a pattern over the years. New job new group of women to negotiate. Three months in and I have contributed measurable and valuable additions to the team and company. I start kicking goals. Then, the situation quickly becomes covertly manipulated. My manager starts questioning my decisions and micromanaging until I have adequately completed my work. The office dynamic is now an emotional minefield. I’m subject to rumours, work is rejected, social invitations dry up and women who were once my friends are now hostile.

At the beginning of my new city career I observed certain female behavioural patterns.

·         Fear that their male partner has a wandering eye, they are terrified of every woman who crosses their path

·         Envy. Simply envious of other women’s skills, dating, beauty, status, youth or your position in the work place

·         Emotional devastation. Relational aggression where women tend to use relationships as their weapon of attack. Launching undercover smear campaigns, spreading malicious rumours and sabotage

Most women are not looking to diffuse the situation quickly, preferring to leave long lasting emotional scars within your psyche, beneath a warm smile and polite words.

They say the road through hell is paved with good intentions.

Engaging in this game is a play I don’t invest in. I’m straightforward and direct, taking care to openly settle differences diplomatically. I find confronting woman in this way makes you a bitch and banished to social wastelands. Honesty threatens their power to manipulate the situation and they prefer to deal with issues covertly. 

Sheryl Sandberg COO of Facebook says “I have seen this dynamic play out over and over. When a woman excels at her job, both male and female co-workers will remark that she may be accomplishing a lot but is “not as well-liked by her peers.” She is probably also “too aggressive,” “not a team player,” “a bit political,” “can’t be trusted,” or “difficult.” At least, those are all things that have been said about me and almost every senior woman I know.”

I don’t hate women but I’m challenging the establishment in some way that’s shaking them to the core. I treat everyone around me on an even keel, from the guy in the mail room to a CEO. I don’t change who I am. Everyone is treated with the upmost respect. I chirp my arrival greeting in the mornings and departure in the afternoons.

So there I was, sitting in the manager’s office reading my behavioural report which began with:

The General Manager was in my office 26/10/11 and you came to the door, however didn’t acknowledge her. You then came back a second time and the same thing happened. It would be appropriate to interrupt if it was something urgent, and if so to then acknowledge the GM first as a sign of respect.

I struggled to see the offence? Previous behaviour is proof that this wasn’t intentional. A non- event in my book. Does this warrant a review of my performance from an obvious misunderstanding and miscommunication?

I know my manager was under some serious stress and pressure. The raw and personal distress bubbled over, manifesting into unjustified dogmatic punishments. Unfair yes, but I was accustomed to these imbalanced behaviours by bosses. I was indifferent, never taking it personally.  Regardless, it was still sad and disappointing to see someone with such inherent unwavering stability and skill (our leader) now just broken down into an irrational, spiteful child.

My work that was once given merit was now penned red. The office environment was on a slippery slope of contempt.

And the report continued, peppered with similar comments. It was beginning to look down-right petty but at the time I had no choice but to take it on board.

Sheryl Sandberg’s advice “One thing that helps is to remember that feedback, like truth, is not absolute. Feedback is an opinion, grounded in observations and experiences, which allow us to know what impression we make on others. That you should save your comments for things that really matter.”

What bearing did this feedback really have on me? Was it truly about me? Or two women feeling threatened in some way? Where was the sisterhood? I feel that engaging in this feminine infighting prevents us all from succeeding. It’s counterproductive and wastes valuable time.

Reviewing the evidence it has become clear. I am the problem….

I don’t think any woman should doubt her capabilities. Working through these undercurrents the problem seems to be me, and I feel that I’m up to the task of revealing why.

I stand for something. I feel I stand for what I feel is an honest, fair and clear ‘me’. No pretend, no fluff…just me. I may not be the most experienced in the field, I make mistakes (many) but I’m learning. I’m learning to be truly present and listen more deeply. I am who I am and I do what needs to be done. This work may not be completed the way others would prefer but the job is done and to the best of my ability.

Solving the problems takes process. Problem solving techniques like:

·         Asking “Why?” five times

·         Exploring cause-and-effect on relationships in order to find the root problem

·         Or assumption reversal. Taking all known assumptions and reversing them in order to trigger change.

Bertrand Russell said “The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution.”

Problem: I did not greet a person superior to me in the proper manner.

What is this about? With certain personality types, not speaking is the highest of insults. Hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is. You are better off telling them to bugger off, because at least you’re acknowledging that they matter.

This is about power.

The women who I have offended are assuming that I’m so high and mighty that they don’t even warrant a response, and that my silence (even though unintentional) is a power play.

How could a casual office interaction like this possibly be interpreted into a power play?

Realising they were in critical discussion, I felt I acted in a professional and thoughtful manner by waiting outside. Waiting back at my desk for their meeting to conclude and intrude with my urgent work question. It seems instead, I have accidentally asserted power over these women through ‘silence’ by doing so.  Wasn’t what they were talking about more important than me not delivering a social greeting? What about all my previous interactions where this wasn’t the case?

I thought about the content and context of my everyday conversations and how these are interpreted in power plays.

Let’s say I’m chatting to Sharon in the office kitchen about the all-expense paid fun filled weekend with my new boyfriend. This will come across as a social and economic power play because she’s a struggling single mother. Sharon would kill to have the problems I have.

This silent power dynamic is always at play, whether you accept it or not. In any conversation one person is going to more successful than the other, or more attractive, or smarter or physically stronger etc.

Invisible “ranks” it seems everyone is aware of them but it is taboo to discuss them.

Indebted power play

They think you owe them.

Social blackmail. Many woman desperately want you to be indebted to them. “You owe me” type deal.

“I can’t believe you would just leave me after everything I’ve done for you”

Sound familiar?

When someone stops speaking with you making it clear you have wronged them somehow and thus “owe” them for this apology for an invisible infringement. It’s a power play.

I realised since I don’t buy into this emotional stand-off, other women feel powerless to control you which creates fear, mistrust and finally disconnect. You can’t be upfront about how or why they perceive you to be in their debt- they just get angry.

Solution:

Don’t treat this as an enemy attack. Use it as an opportunity to open lines of discussion. Be truly present and aware of your interactions. If there isn’t enough trust in your office circle to make free conversation, then trust building is what you and fellow colleagues should be focusing on.

Its hard to admit you are wrong. Take a deep breath, rise above your need to be right, drop the ego and pick up the lesson. Take responsibility for your situation and for all the events seen as problems and relinquish your need to defend your point of view.

Embrace characteristics of great leadership. Listening, being trustworthy, communication and having a vision. Inevitably, you will be more likable.

The office interrogation with my manager Crystal worked out in the end. Face to face discussion and compromise. I didn’t agree with a majority of the report but that’s okay. Both parties achieved open lines of communication both taking away lessons even receiving home cooked cupcakes from the general manager the following week. Peace offering? I hope so.